Judases and Peters

Tonight, I was talking with a close friend about someone we had not spoken to for about two years now. I randomly thought about this person the other day, and it came up as I spoke with my close friend. This particular mutual friend had been open about her struggles with lesbianism and how God set her free two years ago. Today, however, she claims she is a lesbian. My heart felt heavier the instant I knew she had fallen into that lifestyle again. This new knowledge and an UnderOath song got me thinking about all those in my life who at one time knew Christ but are no longer following Him. The song ("Too Bright to See/Too Loud to Hear" from their album, Lost in the Sound of Separation) opens with the words:

Good God, if Your song leaves our lips
If Your work leaves our hands
Then we will be wanderers and vagabonds.
They will stare and say how empty we are,
How the freedom we had turned us up as dead men.

I began to consider my own faith. In the times when I had chosen something above Christ, in the times when my wants and desires came first - they were without a doubt the darkest times of my life. I began to consider how the world must look at people who had once followed Christ but now follow themselves. But most of all, I began to consider every person I'd ever called a sister or a brother who had chosen to stop following God. And my heart broke. It broke in the way it breaks every time I think of Judas.

Here is a guy who has followed Jesus around for a few years. They've eaten together, laughed together, lived together, traveled together, and basically done everything within ridiculously close proximity to one another. He has followed Jesus around the desert, listened to him teach, seen him perform miracles - Judas knows Jesus is for real. He has seen with his own eyes the truth, power, and love of Jesus Christ. And yet, Judas betrayed Jesus. He betrayed him in the worst way imaginable - for a mere 30 pieces of silver, he traded a man's life. Not just a man, but the Word made flesh: the Way, the Truth, and the Life. How could such a trade ever be made?

But I've done it. In those moments when I, too, lusty with love for my thirty pieces of silver, brought the Romans with me to our secret place - the place I know Jesus chooses to dwell - I wreaked of betrayal. I pursed my lips and kissed the sweet savior. I mourned for the body that was broken, and I rued the day I ever made such a bargain. The great difference between Judas and myself is that I was rescued. The tragedy of Judas is his unwillingness to seek forgiveness. Who knows why? No one can say why Judas hung, condemning himself, and I live on under the blood of Christ. Other than my salvation and his lack thereof, there is really no difference between Lindsey and Judas.

I think that's why I love Peter so much. Peter denied Jesus not once but three times. And Peter went on to become a missionary, to have the privilege of living and dying for Christ. He helped to make the church what it is today because he chose not to walk in condemnation but in the beautifully broken body of our Christ. I look at Judas and weep. I look at Peter and rejoice.

So if you've read this and the Holy Spirit has brought one of our fallen brothers or sisters to your mind, let's be in prayer over them. Their situation is not permanent. We will see Peters, not Judases. We will see victory, not defeat. And we will see God's word spread like fire through them.

Love Revelation

I've been reading a book by Bob Sorge entitled "Dealing with the Rejection and Praise of Man." Yes, the book is as intimidating as the title. Haha...but seriously, the book is chock full of the most amazing revelations for someone like me who gets hung up on the praises and rejections of the people around me. Basically, it's been amazing. My world is being rocked by some of the things Mr. Sorge says. And it all boils down to this: If you have God's approval, you are set free from the need to seek approval from anyone else. Period. It's honestly that simple - and yet so hard to put theory into practice...

In disciple group last Monday night, we read Psalm 119:32 which says:

"I run in the path of your commands,
for You have set my heart free."

I always loved this verse because I have this thing with freedom. It's one of my favorite words in "Christianese" if you will. The word encompasses what Christ does for us. I also love that freedom in Christ turns the world's idea of freedom upside down! It's because I'm a bond servant to Christ that I have been set free from my sin! It excites me...a lot. :) Because of this predisposition to look at everything from the perspective of freedom from sin, I never considered that it might mean that my heart has been set free to love.

I know that sounds kind of silly and obvious - my heart is free to love - but hear me out. By this world's standards, I love you because you love me. It's a reciprocation deal. We exchange love. I love you so that you will love me, and that's the natural course of the human existence. It is absurd to love someone who is neutral towards you; it is especially absurd to love someone who hates you. This is the natural order.

Christ takes this and throws it away! He loves everyone. No muss, no fuss - EVERYONE. No matter how they feel toward him. In fact, how humanity feels toward Christ is irrelevant to his love for humanity. How strangely wonderful is that? He loves me despite the fact that my love may not be reciprocated, and certainly despite the fact that my love will never equal his love for me. I can't match up to his love. I can only attempt to give him all the love I possess. And part of that process is loving others.

To love with the love of Christ is to think of love from this perspective. Do I truly love everyone? Do I love them despite their feelings toward me? See, this is where that liberty from Christ comes in! He sets us free to love with our whole hearts - not just that part that wants to feel love back. How amazing is that? And part of loving God is showing love to others, because it's what He commands us to do! It's a beautiful, incredibly difficult process. I don't think we will ever truly have a grasp on this Christ-like love, but we have a lifetime to work on it. :) I'm not there yet, by any means, but with patience and grace, Christ is slowly revealing more of his love in exchange for this world's view.

I'll keep writing as I get more revelation (I believe it's coming!). But for now, I'll work on putting this one into practice.

love of worlds

right here...right now...
right now...right now...
there is heat. there is warmth.
it's as if we've lost control.

We will turn the world upside down
Til the earth is the sea...

fire. smoke. fire. Eyes.
i can't break your gaze.
i won't. i can't. I won't.
The world is so cold.

We will turn this world upside down
Til the earth is the sea...

The world is so cold.
let's warm ourselves here.
by the fire sparked between,
by the fire of You and Me.

We will turn our world upside down
Til the earth is the sea...

the moment. my life. the moment.
Is gone. i wait. i wait.
The cold seems even colder
with this sudden failure of fire.

We will turn the world upside down
Til the earth is the sea...

The things we said
We'd never do
Are all we have
To hold on to.

We will turn our world upside down
Til the earth is the sea...

Til we drown.

Growing Pains

Growing up requires quite a bit of stretching...and in that stretching comes quite a bit of discomfort. I am currently experiencing some not-so-pleasant growing pains myself. I feel as though the people I thought would always be there are no longer there for me. It's not just my imagination, either. It's real. And it reminds me that in this life, there is no constant but Christ. He never leaves or forsakes, but unfortunately, people do. It's a sad fact of life. So in this fact, I am having a tough time. But God is showing me, bit by tiny bit, who I am in him - no frills, no friends, no extra stuff - just me and him.

It's tough. It becomes harder as I press on, too. But I've also found a new sense of boldness. Without a core group of friends to hold on to, I am learning to meet new people and see value in new relationships. So that has bee fun.

Obviously, I miss the people I find myself without of late. It's been one of the hardest things I've ever been through, and it's by no means over. I find myself in the midst of a shaking. The good thing about being shaken, however, is that it brings me to my knees - it breaks me - and the only thing left standing is God.

Twentieth Summer

"Mature" - from the Greek teleios, reflects the biblical idea of maturity, defined as a right relationship with God that bears fruit in a sincere endeavor to love him with all one's heart in undivided devotion, obedience, and blamelessness.

Wow. That definition deamands quite a lot from the biblical use of the word "mature." I'm twenty years old, and I sometimes wonder if I'm mature. Not strictly as far as my faith goes, but in a broad sense, as well. In some areas, I think I'm more mature than people twice my age. In others, I'm as green as freshly pruned spring grass. But when it comes to my faith, how do I measure my own maturity?

I was saved at the age of 10. Well, as saved as a 10-year-old can be. So I've had about half of my life to be developing and maturing in my faith. Have I done so? Heck no. I became serious about my faith around about my sophomore or junior year of high school, and didn't realize how unlike Christ I was until my first year at Lee, and how much of a rebellious spirit I posessed. (In case you had any doubts, there is nothing mature about rebellion). So here I am, in a pickle. I look ahead at how far I should be. I look back and see how far God can bring me in such a short amount of time. I wonder why I wasted time. I wonder why I still waste time.

God brought me exactly where I am. I wouldn't be right here right now were it not the case. I mean that in a very literal sense, not in some philosophical way. I'm in the computer room of my house that I wouldn't be in were my summer to have gone the way I planned for it to go. But here I am, nonetheless, and I'm all kinds of exasperated with myself about why it took me so long to trust God this summer. I've been here for two months, knowing with all that I am that God brought me here, and yet I've done so little. Honestly, I thought this summer was all about the people I would touch with my amazing Christianity. Ha. Now that's funny.

If you can't maintain the prayer life you preach to others - if you can't spend the time with God you swear by to others - then there's a disconnect somewhere. Mine was in my issues with my home church, my issues with the churches in the area, my laziness, my lack of motivation, my pouty phases, and my constant wishes of being elsewhere. It was not until I began to see God in others lives that I began to regain the hope I came here with. I realized that I was not alone in my desires to see this town fall in love with Jesus. I realized that I was not the only one. I am not the only one.

God has taught me many things this summer, the forefront of which is to trust him before the harvest that there will, in fact, be a harvest. To run after him with all my energy. To seek his face before I seek another's. To love him with every ounce of my wounded heart. To honor him (and others) through obedience. To make declarations of God's goodness. To speak life into death. To speak truth into lies. To not take some things too seriously. To take other things more seriously. To get on my face when I doubt. To trust in my faith when I can't feel him. To know that I'm never alone. To know that there's hope everywhere. To be okay with being pushed to my limits. To take the stretching periods with as much joy and thankfulness as the feeding periods. To live above reproach. To walk like I'm in love with the king. To walk like he's in love with me. To be open to others experiences and opinions. To be open. To encourage. To be Christ to the people in my life. To be held accountable to my thoughts and actions. To love more than I used to hate.

I'm not there yet. Obviously. But this summer is still teaching me things. For those of you who have been there for me during this time period, thank you. You can't know how encouraging you've been. Thank you for being my fellow Christ-followers and family.

This scripture is something I'm still working on. But each day, I'm hoping to get further away from me and closer to him when I think of my summer like this:

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers (and sisters), whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Persevereance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4

Found

My whole life, I've wondered what kind of person I am. There are certain molds I wished to fit into. For a while I was a geek. In elementary school, I was the brainy girl that people cheated off of. In middle school, while still brainy, I started to explore the uniqueness I felt was inside of me. I was rejected by the majority of my peers and often made fun of. It just pushed me in my own direction even harder. In high school, I tried so hard to fit into the hardcore scene. It worked, I guess.

It's easy to try to fit into that kind of mold. To become something that is easy to explain. I find myself doing it with others, as well. "Oh, that cheerleader chick..." or "That rocker kid with the piercings..." It's convenient. It's easy. It's identity, and we look for it every day. I take issue here because people are so much more complex than that. People aren't labels and labels aren't people. You can't fit me into a category, and I can't fit myself into a category. No matter how hard I've tried in my life, and believe me, I've tried.

As I assess my life and look at the type of identity I want to have in the future, I realize that the only identity I want for the rest of my life is to be called a daughter of the most high God. Only here can I find any label worth putting onto myself. I've searched for worth in myself and have been sorely lacking. The ONLY good in me is from God. Only when you know my whole story can you understand the mess I was making of things and the hell that I was headed towards. Just like everyone else. If anyone is called saved, it is by grace alone. And my identity as of right now is "saved." That's all I want. If I lived my life like that, then things would be a lot less complicated. I am not the music I listen to, the movies I watch, the place I live, or the clothes on my back. I am a daughter of the most high God. I am an heir to the everlasting kingdom. I am a branch of the true vine. I am a hand in the body of faith. I was once lost.


But now I'm found.

Jellyfish

You misunderstand me,
I'm not what you believe.
Yes, I do sting you,
But I'm sensitive, you see?
I change with whatever
Light shines on me
And I float in the ocean -
I swim through the sea.
I pulsate, I move,
Like floating for you.
My life in the water
Is all that is true.
I move and I feel
Sometimes it's too intense.
I cannot control it.
I mean no offense.
I feel so much more
When you come too close.
Stay away from me, please.
It's better for us both.
You cannot withstand
The pain of being near
When nearness brings pain
And pain then brings fear.
Leave me alone
In my salty abode
To ease your pain -
To lighten my load.
For creatures who are base
And can only react
Find their solitude
A lonely, simple path.