Twentieth Summer

"Mature" - from the Greek teleios, reflects the biblical idea of maturity, defined as a right relationship with God that bears fruit in a sincere endeavor to love him with all one's heart in undivided devotion, obedience, and blamelessness.

Wow. That definition deamands quite a lot from the biblical use of the word "mature." I'm twenty years old, and I sometimes wonder if I'm mature. Not strictly as far as my faith goes, but in a broad sense, as well. In some areas, I think I'm more mature than people twice my age. In others, I'm as green as freshly pruned spring grass. But when it comes to my faith, how do I measure my own maturity?

I was saved at the age of 10. Well, as saved as a 10-year-old can be. So I've had about half of my life to be developing and maturing in my faith. Have I done so? Heck no. I became serious about my faith around about my sophomore or junior year of high school, and didn't realize how unlike Christ I was until my first year at Lee, and how much of a rebellious spirit I posessed. (In case you had any doubts, there is nothing mature about rebellion). So here I am, in a pickle. I look ahead at how far I should be. I look back and see how far God can bring me in such a short amount of time. I wonder why I wasted time. I wonder why I still waste time.

God brought me exactly where I am. I wouldn't be right here right now were it not the case. I mean that in a very literal sense, not in some philosophical way. I'm in the computer room of my house that I wouldn't be in were my summer to have gone the way I planned for it to go. But here I am, nonetheless, and I'm all kinds of exasperated with myself about why it took me so long to trust God this summer. I've been here for two months, knowing with all that I am that God brought me here, and yet I've done so little. Honestly, I thought this summer was all about the people I would touch with my amazing Christianity. Ha. Now that's funny.

If you can't maintain the prayer life you preach to others - if you can't spend the time with God you swear by to others - then there's a disconnect somewhere. Mine was in my issues with my home church, my issues with the churches in the area, my laziness, my lack of motivation, my pouty phases, and my constant wishes of being elsewhere. It was not until I began to see God in others lives that I began to regain the hope I came here with. I realized that I was not alone in my desires to see this town fall in love with Jesus. I realized that I was not the only one. I am not the only one.

God has taught me many things this summer, the forefront of which is to trust him before the harvest that there will, in fact, be a harvest. To run after him with all my energy. To seek his face before I seek another's. To love him with every ounce of my wounded heart. To honor him (and others) through obedience. To make declarations of God's goodness. To speak life into death. To speak truth into lies. To not take some things too seriously. To take other things more seriously. To get on my face when I doubt. To trust in my faith when I can't feel him. To know that I'm never alone. To know that there's hope everywhere. To be okay with being pushed to my limits. To take the stretching periods with as much joy and thankfulness as the feeding periods. To live above reproach. To walk like I'm in love with the king. To walk like he's in love with me. To be open to others experiences and opinions. To be open. To encourage. To be Christ to the people in my life. To be held accountable to my thoughts and actions. To love more than I used to hate.

I'm not there yet. Obviously. But this summer is still teaching me things. For those of you who have been there for me during this time period, thank you. You can't know how encouraging you've been. Thank you for being my fellow Christ-followers and family.

This scripture is something I'm still working on. But each day, I'm hoping to get further away from me and closer to him when I think of my summer like this:

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers (and sisters), whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Persevereance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4

Found

My whole life, I've wondered what kind of person I am. There are certain molds I wished to fit into. For a while I was a geek. In elementary school, I was the brainy girl that people cheated off of. In middle school, while still brainy, I started to explore the uniqueness I felt was inside of me. I was rejected by the majority of my peers and often made fun of. It just pushed me in my own direction even harder. In high school, I tried so hard to fit into the hardcore scene. It worked, I guess.

It's easy to try to fit into that kind of mold. To become something that is easy to explain. I find myself doing it with others, as well. "Oh, that cheerleader chick..." or "That rocker kid with the piercings..." It's convenient. It's easy. It's identity, and we look for it every day. I take issue here because people are so much more complex than that. People aren't labels and labels aren't people. You can't fit me into a category, and I can't fit myself into a category. No matter how hard I've tried in my life, and believe me, I've tried.

As I assess my life and look at the type of identity I want to have in the future, I realize that the only identity I want for the rest of my life is to be called a daughter of the most high God. Only here can I find any label worth putting onto myself. I've searched for worth in myself and have been sorely lacking. The ONLY good in me is from God. Only when you know my whole story can you understand the mess I was making of things and the hell that I was headed towards. Just like everyone else. If anyone is called saved, it is by grace alone. And my identity as of right now is "saved." That's all I want. If I lived my life like that, then things would be a lot less complicated. I am not the music I listen to, the movies I watch, the place I live, or the clothes on my back. I am a daughter of the most high God. I am an heir to the everlasting kingdom. I am a branch of the true vine. I am a hand in the body of faith. I was once lost.


But now I'm found.